In this post we will cover the key learnings from ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ that we would implement into our lives. With each lesson we explain the authors take on the topic as well as give our own suggestion. Additionally, we have added self-reflection questions to each section to help you put the knowledge to work!
Deny trauma, it’s only holding you back.
Lesson 1
Courage to Be Disliked
According to the book, our need to hold on to trauma is mainly because it either makes us feel like we belong, or it makes us feel significant. This may not seem like it is problematic, but if we dwell on our life stories, they can become a hindrance and an excuse to stagnate. By hanging on to whatever stories are keeping us small and in place, we are essentially choosing not to change. When we let the past dictate our future, we are living according to Etiology, the study of the cause of a given phenomenon, i.e. our history. The Philosopher tries to encourage the Youth, and You and I, to learn from our pasts but not to live in them.
Women Who Get It
Our past experiences – including traumas – affect us not by the events themselves, but by the meanings, we attach to them. Trauma is usually devastating, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work through it. Instead of letting your traumas rule and dictate your actions, find a safe way to process them so you can live the life you want. Don’t hide behind them forever.
Self-Reflection Question
We encourage you to reflect on your own circumstances. Have there been times when past circumstances or traumas were holding you back from moving forward in life? In which way did you feel like it stifled your growth? Then, think or write about how you would like to move forward in those areas, without limiting beliefs attached. This way you are actively practicing the art of moving past your previous circumstances
All problems are interpersonal problems.
Lesson 2
Courage to Be Disliked
Adlerian philosophy believes that when we are unhappy, it is because of a failure to complete our life tasks. Life tasks are the tasks we undertake in life to fulfill our objective to belong and to be significant. Since these higher objectives can only exist in a social context, it follows that all of our life tasks are interpersonal. Thus all of our problems (which eventually lead to unhappiness) are interpersonal.
If you ever caught yourself thinking or saying “I could never do this/that”, Adler believed these to be excuses that enable us to avoid taking on the life tasks and interpersonal problems necessary for us to achieve those goals. The truth is short of physically not being able to make something, everything is attainable. We just choose what to put our energy into and when/where to put ourselves out there.
Women Who Get It
All of life’s problems are interpersonal problems. It is impossible to escape interpersonal issues. You cannot avoid life tasks; therefore, you can not prevent interpersonal problems. The best we can do is learn how to manage ourselves so that our actions allow us to be the best version of ourselves while achieving our main objectives
Self-Reflection Question
In which areas of your life are you experiencing feelings of imposter syndrome or inferiority? When experiencing those emotions are you aware that you are forming subjective interpretations rather than focusing on objective facts?
Discard other people’s tasks.
Lesson 3
Courage to Be Disliked
By the third night, the Youth is feeling very skeptical of the Philosopher’s ways. When he returns, the Philosopher reminds him that he and he alone is responsible for the way his life has gone and will continue to develop.
The Philosopher goes on to point out that intervening in other people’s life tasks makes your life into something heavy and full of misery. It is never your task to try to change someone (or their opinion/the way they think). If you do and you fail, you will blame yourself and feel resentment. If you succeed. You have only put a bandaid on the “problem” and are likely only measuring success from your own perspective.
Women Who Get It
You are responsible for living your life for yourself. Sometimes you will fill up your to-do list with other people’s tasks, concerns, and dreams. Before helping others, you have to help yourself, otherwise, you will end up resenting the very people you’re trying to help.
It’s also vital to distinguish which tasks are actually yours, and not intrude on other people’s learning. Let people live their own lives according to their personal values. It is essential to lend a helping hand whenever needed but just as vital to recognize when someone’s life task is their own.
Self-Reflection Question
Can you think of a time when you spend unnecessary energy on intervening or trying to direct other people’s life tasks based on your beliefs? Do you feel this behaviour brought any positive outcomes for you or the receiving party? Or did it only create a greater division?
Desire of Recognition Makes You Unfree.
Lesson 4
Courage to Be Disliked
The Philosopher warns the Youth to let go of his desire for recognition. Living to satisfy the expectations of others only leads to a life that is miserable and unfulfilled. If you live to please others, you lack the intrinsic motivation to wake up and do what you mean to do every day. The moment that recognition fades so does your drive. The Philosopher goes as far as to say, “desire for recognition makes you unfree.” If it is Freedom we are after, one thing we have complete control over is being free from seeking recognition.
Women Who Get It
We often get caught up in trying to live up to other people’s expectations of us, and in that, we deny ourselves what we really want in life. You discard yourself in the process of trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. Get rid of the need to please others and try staying true to yourself – see how your life changes. Being disliked by other people is the cost of living your life in complete freedom, according to your own principles. It is a sign that you have followed your dreams despite pressure from others.
Self-Reflection Question
Can you think of past decisions that you made in order to satisfy the expectations of others? In those situations, what did you learn from this in the end?
To live in earnest in the here and now.
Lesson 5
Courage to Be Disliked
On the fifth night, the Philosopher assures the Youth that it is okay to be normal. You do not have to strive to be some revered being. Instead, focus on your gifts here and now. How can they help? How can you apply what you are best at to serve the greater community? If you shift your focus from I to we (society), not only will you be free of the pressure, but suddenly you will not be afraid to fail. How can you fail at helping?
Women Who Get It
Exist in the here and now. If you have suffered from excessive self-consciousness. “I’m too this or I’m too that to do that thing I really want to do.” So you never actually end up taking any steps to achieve that goal or dream. You could believe this reaction is saving yourself from embarrassment or failure, but Adler actually believed self-consciousness stifles the self entirely.
You cannot achieve the most refined version of yourself if you are unhappy. You owe it to society to be happy now as that will unleash your most beneficial gifts. The essence of work is the contribution to the greater good in the here and now.
Self-Reflection Question
Do you practise being present on a daily basis and if not, what actions are withholding you from doing so? Then ask yourself if there are particular ways or things that help you be present (ex. Being around nature, turning off your phone when meeting up with friends and family etc.)
Additionally, ask yourself what are things that you are naturally good at? How can you channel those gifts to contribute to society in an impactful way? Remember, the impact is not better when done bigger; it is about intention and sharing your contributions with the world.. Regardless of the size of the scale.
But of course, this is just a small fraction of the invaluable knowledge from the book. Therefore, we invite you to share your takeaways in the comment section below!